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A final year accounting student sees his buddy ride past on a new bicycle. So he stops his friend and quizzes him about the origin of the bike. "The funniest thing happened the other day", the friend begins, "this first year student is pushing her bike past me, when suddenly she stops, takes off all her clothes and tells me to take what I want!!!!" To which the first student replies, "Good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fitted anyway!!".
A lawyer, a doctor and an accountant are all applying to join the FBI. The have passed all tests but the final one. All three are in a waiting room ready for their final test. First, the lawyer is given a gun and told to go into the room and execute the spy sitting in the chair. The lawyer goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The lawyer is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent. Next the doctor is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The doctor goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The doctor is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent. Finally the accountant is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The accountant goes into the room and the agents outside the room hear a gun shot. After this they hear a lot a rustling and banging. Finally the accountant comes out and says, "someone put blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death.
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a accountant snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that accountant gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Following a shipwreck, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant are adrift on a raft. In the distance, they see an island.
The engineer, using his technical skills and knowledge of physics, ties himself to the raft using a rope. He dives into the water and swims towards the island pulling the raft behind him. Sharks attack. The lawyer and the accountant barely manage to save him.
Next, the lawyer dives in planning to use his golden tongue as well as speedy footwork to get the castaways to the island. At once, the sharks attack and the accountant saves him.
Finally, the accountant dives into the water not even bothering with the rope. The sharks sweep in, but instead of attacking the accountant, they push the raft to the island. The engineer and lawyer are amazed. "How di d you do that?" they ask. "Professional etiquette," he replies
One Day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please anyone, help!!!!!!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over and with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boys testicles, and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank You! Thank You!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic??"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
The Three Partners
Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears.
"You know the deal," says the genie. "Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each."
"Great," says the audit partner. "Take me to Hawaii, give me a blonde and an endless supply of condoms and leave me there for ever."
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.
"Now me," says the tax partner. "Take me to the Fiji Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever."
Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.
The genie turns to the senior partner. "And what do you want?" "I want those two back in the office straight after lunch."
A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, "Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock." The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You're on." "Nine hundred and thirty two," says the man. The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't know how you did it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any sheep." The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation." The man thinks, "How would he know, he's never met me before" and says "Right. You're on". The farmer says, "You're an auditor with a Big Six firm." man whistles. "How the heck did you know that?"
"Well," says the farmer, "put my dog down and I'll tell you."
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."
The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."
The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."
The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.
The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."
The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.
Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."
An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk drawer and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs. Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong - the usual stuff - and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "blame me!" He does this and gets off the hook. Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says
"Write two envelopes".
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
You may be taking accounting too seriously if-You can't wait to do your own tax return.
-You think the GAP store at the mall sells accounting standards.
-You think the CMA awards on TV relate to accounting (CMA is the Country Music Association).
-You cheer at the Oscars when they announce the accounting firm in charge of the envelopes.
-You read film credits to identify the name of the Production Accountant.
-You double underline your mother's name when preparing her death notice.
-You do an NPV calculation when you receive an indecent proposal (Of course this makes perfect sense if you are married).
-You do an NPV calculation before deciding not to have children.
-You think that Greek Oracles were early developers of database accounting systems.
-You can explain the difference between "downsizing", "right sizing", "re-engineering" and "firing people".
-You think that leaving at 5 o'clock is a half day.
-You use the term "value added" with a straight face.
-Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
-You schedule a meeting with your spouse to discuss the past year's performance.
-You aren't sure, but you think that you can claim depreciation on your human capital as a tax deduction.
-Your idea of "absolute terror" is an unbalanced T account.
-Your idea of "creativity" is a one-sided journal entry.
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker
If an accountant's wife can't get to sleep, what does she say?
"Tell me about work today, dear"
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to check it was done within budget.
How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you
The accountant's prayer:
Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time
A CPA said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
The lawyer dies, and somehow (s)he goes to heaven. As the attorney passes through the pearly gates, a crowd is waiting, cheering.
The lawyer is amazed at the reception, and sees St. Peter in front of the crowd. "A special day!" St. Peter proclaims, "It's not every day that we get the opportunity to welcome someone here who has lived for a hundred and forty-five years!"
"Uh, a hundred and forty-five?", the lawyer muses aloud. "But, I was only fifty nine years old when I passed away."
St. Peter looks concerned. "What's the meaning of this!" he exclaims. "Summon the Holy Accountant at once!"
Very soon a nebbish looking angel appears, peering through bi-focals and frantically flipping the pages of a very large ledger book.
"I don't understand where I could have made a mistake," the Holy Accountant says, "I added up his billable hours ..."
accountants aren't boring people, we just get excited over boring things.
An old, somewhat poor widow is in her CPA's office and while searching around in her purse for her bifocals, she manages to drop a $20 bill on the floor. It sits there, unnoticed. Later, after the widow has left, the CPA gets up, notices the money, realizes its source, and is confronted with a dilemma: should he keep the money all for himself, or should he split it with his partner?
A man finds a magic lantern and rubs it three times. At once, a genie appears and says, "Master of the lamp, I will grant you three wishes. But, for every wish you make, I must give your CPA double". The man ponders for a moment, then makes his first wish. "Genie, I wish to have a million dollars". The genie responds, "Your wish has been granted and your CPA has received 2 million dollars". The man thinks for another moment, then says, "Genie, I wish to have a 50 foot sailing yacht". The genie responds, "Your wish has been granted and your CPA has received a 100 foot sailing yacht". At this point, the man is somewhat perturbed about his CPA getting twice as much as he so he thinks long and hard. After some time the man says, "Genie, I wish to be beaten half to death".
What's the definition of unlikely?
A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!'.
Two CPAs walking through the woods spot a vicious-looking bear. The first CPA immediately opens his briefcase, pulls out a pair of sneakers and starts putting them on. The second CPA looks at him and says, "You are crazy! You will never be able to outrun that bear!" "I do not have to", the first CPA replies. "I only have to outrun you".
Q. If an IRS agent and a full can of beer both fell off the top of the Empire State Building at the same time, which one would hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?
Q. What does an accountant use for birth control?
A. His personality.
Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and an honest accountant are locked in an office with a bag full of cash: $1,000,000 in small bills.
Ans.!!..Nothing, they are all fictional characters!!!!!!!!
Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion? A. Jail
This nerdy little accountant appears at St. Peter's gate. St Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven. The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks: Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life? Well says the accountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled "Hey jerks, why don't you pick on somebody your own size" and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also. St Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and I don't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?" The accountant replies "About five minutes ago".
Q: What is the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
An accountant was having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem! I make a mistake and spend 3 hours trying to find it."
"Why did the accountant cross the road?"
Here are the top 7 responses.
1. To open a consulting practice.
2. What else does an accountant do for fun?
3. To count the chickens.
4. Because the lawyers were on the first side.
5. So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
6. The client told him to.
7. Because that's what was done in the prior year.
Q. How do you drive an accountant absolutely insane?
A. Tie him to a chair, and fold a road map up wrong in front of him.
Three accountants walk into a bar, and each orders a beer. They raise their glasses and make a toast: "Here's to 59!" After downing their beers, they order another round and make the same toast: "Here's to 59!"
This happens again and again. Finally, the bartender asks the accountants what the significance of the toast is. "Well," said one of them, "we put a 1,000-piece jigsaw Puzzle together in just 59 days!"
"And that's a big deal?" asked the barkeep.
"You bet," said the same accountant, "the box said 4 to 8 YEARS!!!"
A lady goes to see her doctor with some worrying symptoms and he examines her.
"I'm sorry," he says "but it's bad news. You have only six months to live."
The patient says, "Oh Doctor. That's terrible. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "I advise you to marry a CPA."
"Will that make me live longer?"
"No," says the doctor. "But it will seem longer."
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two accountants were arguing over a penny.
Q: What's the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand
How many accountants does it take to replace a light bulb?
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to file the paperwork
Why don't accountants read novels?
Because the only numbers in the novels are page numbers.
The company owner is dying and calls in his lawyer and his accountant.
The owner says: "I am dying and I want to take my money with me. At my funeral put these envelopes in my coffin"
So at the funeral, the lawyer and the accountant put the envelopes in the coffin. But, on the way home the lawyer felt bad and told the accountant that he had opened the envelope, found one hundred thousand in cash and had taken fifty thousand out. The lawyer had justified that as his fee, but now he felt bad.
The accountant responded: "How could you have disregarded a dying man's last request? How could you charge a fee of fifty percent? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Then, the lawyer reacted: "What did you do? You gave him all his money?"
The accountant repied: "yes, I gave him all his money, but I left a personal check for the full amount"
Two accountants are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, other robbers line up the customers, including the accountants, against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, accountant number one jams something into accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers: "What is this?"
Then, accountant number one replies: "it's that $50 I owe you."
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